I’ve been remembering a lot over these past few weeks of silence.
I’ve been remembering a lot about who I am.
It feels good. Really really good. To be remembering.
Every time I have sat down and tried to write, everything has come out sounding way too cryptic for my liking. Sounding as though I am holding back details, and maybe that’s because I am. Hard things are rarely easy to put into words here. And without the details, I’ve been fumbling with how to move forward in this space. So, I sat. And waited. For clarity. Because that’s something I am really good at. Patience.
In the meantime, I started reading my blog. I read and read and read, back days, months, over a year. As I read, I noticed there’s been a whole lot of cryptic sounding writing, which hit me pretty hard. Because it kinda told me just how long I have been struggling. It’s been a long time, which I guess I knew, but to read it and become aware of just how deep it ran…kinda stung. I like to be honest. Anyone here who knows me knows that’s how I operate. Raw. Honest. Truth. And when that aspect of me feels stifled, I get stumped.
“Let the Fuck Go.”
“Seriously, let the fuck go of everything in your life that does not help you to be a better person.”
“Let it go before it kills you.”
End of Story.
That’s the straight forward/harsh sounding version at least.
Open your eyes.
Open them as wide as you can.
This life is a gift to enjoy and cherish.
There is so much for you to discover.
Be kind to others, even when you don’t see eye to eye,
because you never know what someone else is struggling with.
Take deep breaths…often, as deep as you can muster.
Fill your heart with love and gratitude.
Appreciate all of your experiences, both the good and the bad.
Because, after all, they ALL make up who you are today.
When it is hot, lay in front of the fan just like you did when you were a little.
Swing on the swings.
Walk barefoot through the morning dew.
Do the 30 day plank challenge, just because.
Stop at random gas stations and take pictures.
Start oil pulling to get rid of your toxins.
Never let your life feel stagnant.
When it does, get up and go.
Explore…a shady forest trail, a small town shop, and old place from the past…your memories.
Remember your dreams.
Write them down,
Rip them up,
And start all over again.
Keep your soul alive.
And let go of everything that no longer serves you.
Incorporate what you have learned and move on.
Because when your mind is quiet,
the answers will be there waiting for you to discover them.
And maybe all this is still way too cryptic sounding, but maybe that’s why you come here to read my words. Maybe it’s not necessarily because I have anything amazingly awesome to tell you or teach you or share with you, but more because I am just some normal person who struggles from day to day just like you and the next person. This space has evolved and changed over the years. There was Earth Mama 101, the early years. There was Hullabaloo Homestead, full of homesteading goodness, (but all homesteading has been put on hold for the time being). But golly gee, who knows what this blog should be called anymore. I am merely a no one, who comes here to try to mull over my mere existence in this life and the innate beauty that surrounds me, in a way that maybe will help someone out there to make a difference in their life. Because honestly, there are many days where that’s what I need. To be inspired. I am super lucky right now, to have a handful of people in my life who inspire me…deeply. I know each and everyone of them are there for a reason, and no matter how fleeting that reason may or may not be, I am grateful. Hopefully somewhere along the way, I hope that I can inspire others too.
A couple of nights ago, Sorrel and I took a walk out back and sat together on this huge rock in the field behind our house. We watched the sun set until the fireflies started flashing their lights. We listened to the different birds singing their different songs. We pointed out the moon above. It’s then that I realized just how alive I feel right now for the first time in a very long time. I can’t believe I forgot…how to feel alive. I can’t believe I let that go. For so long. How can I live my life without feeling alive?! That’s what my soul thrives on…passion.
And so it is here that I stand.
Tall as a mountain,
With the wind in my hair,
Remembering who I am,
Evolving into all that I am to be.
Learning and re-learning.
Remembering and re-remembering, over and over, because that’s how life rolls.
What I know, is that right now, my heart feels calm and happy…and that’s a wonderful thing.
I am SO ready…
to let go.
to put everything toxic behind me.
to embrace myself and who I am.
to live my life in a way that shines my truth.
Bring it on universe. I am all yours.
“There is no passion to be found in settling
for a life that is less than the one you are
capable of living.”