~Thich Nhat Hanh
Ah yes, here I am. Feeling more content…more at peace…more at home, than I have in a long, long time. How good it feels to be by the hand of so much synchronicity, bringing us to where we are right now…and to find so much happiness. Yes, it feels so. very. good. I dare say after so long, we deserve it. But above all…I can sigh a sigh of relief, of knowing deeply and feeling deeply that something much larger than life had guided us the whole way through. These past two weeks have been a lot about adjusting and getting acquainted an getting started on some big projects that we have only been able to dream about for the past several years. But now…bringing those dreams into fruition is so liberating.
I guess all of what I just wrote sounds quite mysterious, unless you have been reading this blog for sometime. If you have then you know what I’m saying. If not, I’ll just say the past few years have been about deep struggle, finding the deep truth about what actually matters to us as a family in this life, and walking away from everything we have known to be “real”. At a gathering before we moved, a friend said how we were so brave…to just walk away from everything. It seemed like an odd comment to me at the time (because I’m me), but after taking a bit to step out of that and look at it form the outside, yes, I can completely see how her comment makes sense.
We tried, you know to do the “responsible” aka. “normal” thing. We got married, had kids, bought a house, a car and a truck…Jason worked while I stayed at home with the kids. We operated outside of the “norm” with our personal choices, but at the same time tread water within it as well. However, what we quickly realized…is how it didn’t work. It was hard/impossible to live off one income. It wasn’t financially stable to home school or be a stay at home mom. And jeeze, we seriously could NOT afford to pay the bills AND eat at once! Throw in four people with gluten intolerance, you can just forget it. Despite the fact that we tried very hard to live very simply without most modern “necessities”…we just couldn’t cut it.
Signs were being blown in from every direction, whispering for us to go, to make a leap of faith, to just trust in my heart that it WILL all work out. I had visions and dreams of going…migrating, but for so long felt so bogged down in finding a way out. I tried very hard to manifest something better, something simpler, something “easier”, but eventually gave up. I couldn’t figure out how to make it happen…so I stopped trying to figure a way out and instead just focused on what the lessons were for me to still learn right where I was. To find the beauty in the here and now despite our daily struggles. The biggest lesson that I can look back and clearly see now…is that sometimes, even when you feel more ready than ever to make a change in your life…there are unseen things, unexplainable reasons…as to why…it simply is NOT the right time. Somethings are not for us to understand…somethings are for us to let go of, even when it makes absolutely no sense to do so. And sometimes we need to find patience, even in hard times, that someone or something much bigger than you and I DOES understand and know when we are ready. And to trust that when the time is right in all ways possibly out of our perception of understanding we WILL be guided in the right direction. In the early fall, I let go, I gave up, and above all I got pretty darn depressed and down in the dumps. Letting go was hard. Letting go hurt. Letting go was downright painful.
But…then, something happened. The stars aligned. I got an email. From someone who reads my blog. Someone who had read about what we were looking for and striving for as a family. Someone who needed something that we could offer. We visited. We were blown away by the synchronicity of it all. And now, we are here. All because, I put myself out there. I poured my heart out so many times…just being myself, just shining my truth. In blogging there have been many many times where I have felt the pang of the wide open internet world and beyond shining back at me…but what I always told myself is how much good is out there in the world. I see it. Maybe it’s because it’s what I choose to see, but regardless of why…I see it. And now, we are bringing that truth back around…putting it straight into the ground to nourish our bodies, our family, our community, and our planet. That’s what I believe life is made of. That is the truth of what has the power to make everything around us blossom into it’s truest sense of full potential.
Lake turned three two days after we moved into our new house. We celebrated amongst the exciting chaos of being some place new. Ate gluten free brownies amongst boxes because mama was wayyyyy to tired to whip up an actual birthday cake or pie. He didn’t complain (luckily) though! We’ve also been enjoying the joy and simplicity that candlelight brings to our dinner meal.
Exploring of course has been one of our top priorities. The land that surrounds our house, the river that flows behind it, the trails that run through the mountains across the road, the “nearby” towns, and the local library. But mostly we’ve stayed put, right here, working the soil, preparing for this season, and noticing how quickly spring has chosen to join us this year.
Gradually things are finding their places around the house as we settle in, projects are being started, life is being lived…together, with our family as a whole. It is a new way of life that we are embarking on…one that our old life could not provide us with. It is one where our family lives, works, and learns together…as one unit each and everyday…not just on nights and weekends. Both parents home, children home, the way I envision my family to be.
As I look around me and admire the beauty as spring unfolds nature’s natural beauty, I find it no coincidence that I too find myself unfolding…naturally…in the fullest sense imaginable. This is the time I have been waiting my whole life for…and it is finally here. I am truly grateful for so much, for this blog and all of the positive thoughts so many of you sent my way over the past year. It all means so much to me! It feels so good to finally be waking up.