so last minute

I meant to pop in here before we left to say good bye. I always have intentions like that. Truely, however, I should know better by now. That I am so last minute, that some things will always slip through the cracks as opportunities to let go of…and good bye posts might always be one of them. On Monday morning, on a semi last minute decision, I piled everyone in the van and took off…for a much needed break. You see…there are two things about me. One, I have a very difficult time leaving my house, especially to go on a five hour per way trip solo with four kids in tow. Two, I constantly find myself teetering on the line of should I stay or should I go, until my brain just makes up it’s mind and I take action before thinking too much about it.

We have always paid a trip to visit my grandmother every summer at least once. I love that my kids get to spend some quality time with their great-grandmother bonding, and we all just love to just go and relax at her house during the hot months as much as we can, and float around her beautiful pool and feel nurtured with good old fashioned family connection. My experiences there are rich with memories. Of me and my sister swimming around the pool for hours talking to the “little people” who lived in the pool jets. The time we got locked out on the back porch for hours in a thunder and lightening storm. My grandfather sitting at the kitchen table drinking his coffee while reading the morning paper…very quietly and focused…so much that sometimes I swear I can still hear the rustle of that paper. The familiar sound that the hall doors make when you pull them both shut and they click. And now, the times that me and my children have in that same place…building memories just as rich and full.

Being, (ahem, almost eight months) pregnant, I wasn’t sure I was up for the adventure honestly. And my grandmother certainly worried her heart out over it, knowing that I would have to make the long drive by myself since Jason would have to stay home to hold down the homestead fort and all. But once I was there I knew it was exactly where I needed to be. My kids were happy and content the whole time. I got to rest and even take a nap! My mom came down for a night and we all just got to spend some time together, something I feel like I don’t get to do as much as I wish we could. Above all, my mom and grandmother took care of me…at a point when I feel so tired and more run down then ever! It was really nice.

For some reason this pregnancy has been harder than the others. I think I’m getting old. Honestly, I don’t even think I really registered that I am indeed actually having another baby until two weeks ago. I kinda had a mini panic attack. My midwife warned me in the beginning that a lot of her clients who have large families with a lot of kids often don’t make/find the time or create the space for that realization to occur and then they get to the end of pregnancy and wham! Panic attack! So I guess that’s kinda how it was for me. At least I still have a month left to think about it and get some baby clothes out and stuff. But really…I think I’ve saved a large chunk of the mental processing until now and it is really making me super stressed out. I struggle with allowing myself the time and space to just be eight months pregnant while maintaining my role as wife and mother to four.

Being a wife and mom is a lot in itself. Preparing for birth and a new baby adds a whole new layer to things, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I know that when all is said and done, and we become a family of seven…life will be good. It’s just getting through this next month as peacefully as possible and those first few months of chaos and re-settling into our new family structure. Right now our life seems so insanely chaotic with four kids that I can’t even imagine it being even more so, even if only for a little bit. But I know it will be and I’m trying with all my mental might to just accept that. I’m also trying to help everyone around me realize that over the next month…not much should be expected of me. I need to lay low. I need to rest. I need to process as much as I can in this short bit of time. I owe it to myself…to create the space needed.