I have made three attempts over the past week to come back into blogging. Each time, I have opened up my laptop only to find myself at a major loss for words. In the past, all I have ever needed for writing inspiration were my photos. They fed me and my soul so to speak, they filled my mind up with thoughts with which I transformed into words, but this time my photos merely confuse me. In my photos are small bits and pieces of my world, right here, right now. Bits and pieces that are beautiful; bits and pieces that I feel completely blessed to be able to witness; bits and pieces that are part of my and only my world. The past 10 months have been full of amazing and magical happenings that were born from what my family and I created simply by being who we are. At the same time, however, life was teeming with confusion and chaos and suffering. Regardless of how red the roses may or may not have appeared to any one person, both realities were in existence full tilt. Yet, I am not one to complain and don’t really aspire to write a blog about how cruel life can feel at times. Instead I try to make the best of it.
So as I sit here, and look closely at my photos that shine nothing short of complete and perfect beauty, my heart still sags, in a way where I feel if I post photos with beautiful wise words of inspiration to go along with them…I may give the impression to someone out there that my life is good, that everything is fine, perfect even, when really it feels quite the opposite. Even if my main purpose of posting those words…is for myself to see that even though my heart is heavy I must go on. Even if my main purpose is to remind myself that there is so much more to life right now than “my dilemmas”, aka. the nitty gritty of life and my existence amidst it all. Even if my main purpose is to capture all the good that fills our days, amidst the not so good, so that when all is quiet I can look back and see it all just a bit more clearly. I feel that if I do decide to post without detailed explanation
Every
Single
Time
someone out there may choose to see berry bushes covered in gazillions of berries when there is barely a handful; someone may choose to see a thousand canned sauerkraut on my table when I take a close up picture because I like to fill the frames of my photos; someone might choose to see a beautifully laid out market stand (thinking it must have made a lot of money) that only had two customers; someone may choose to see the wealth of what I chose to see in life and decide to judge me for it; someone may see one lucky girl living in an old farmhouse with all her dreams coming true, regardless of knowing we have to move again in a year, despite the fact that we are struggling on many different levels right now for a number of different reasons.
Throughout my years of blogging I have learned though, that these occurrences/judgments/accusations are merely a reflection…of not me…but of others and their own mind’s rationalizing. The important lessons within that (along with much of life) is letting others judge as they want and learning to walk away unscathed. Exposing oneself to the great wide abyss of the internet through blogging comes twofold, I know this. There is striving for connection, community, and focusing on personal growth; there is also the space within that which opens up for allowing oneself to be judged for what you say, how you say it, when you say it, what you wear, how many kids you have, what toys you have in your house…yadda yadda yadda. The list goes on. And then comes a time when you cave, the blogger begins to die, because it just becomes too much to bear, and there’s not much else you can put out there without someone reading so far into it that it hurts, as it is not what you meant. Little by little there are fewer words shared out of fear that someone will call you out on how you choose to home school, what reading level your children are at, how much you do or don’t spend on groceries every month.
OR, OR OR OR, you chose to push on…and shine your light and share yourself as you are, as bright as you can, for the shear sake of your own personal passion in doing so, disregarding any false judgement that gets thrown on your doorstep. We will never have control over how someone else acts or talks or chooses to take away from what we offer. What we will always have control over is how we choose to let the actions of others affect us and our ability to let it go and continue on our journey.
We all have the freedom to see what we want to see. This can be applied to our everyday personal lives, in the spacing of a photograph, or in the lives of those around us, whether that is on or offline. I like to call this concept shaping our reality. 2012 has felt like one giant and very drastic emotional roller coaster for me. One day I’ve got a huge plan and I’m excited about the endless opportunities it could bring. The next day something (or someone) rains on my parade…one thing or another, preventing me from taking the next step putting me in the deepest trenches of blahville.
One thing I do know, is that I have a gift, the gift of seeing (and believing) my truth. Even in the worst of the worst I can always see something in my life to be grateful for. I always thought it was a just a skill I obtained somewhere along the line, but lately I am understanding that it comes so naturally to me, that I think it is actually a gift. It is indeed part of my own personal passion…and quite possibly one of the biggest reasons I blog. Just because I choose to post nice pictures and words doesn’t mean my life is going as planned. It just simply is a reflection of how I am trying to do and be the very best that I can with what I’ve got. I will push on. I will achieve what I want when I want. I will be creative in how I shape my reality. I will remind myself that life is good no matter what. I will defeat the odds. And I want to be able to share that. To give others hope that they can too…in their own ways of course.
I guess if I think about it I’d rather live my life with an open heart with the chance of getting hurt opposed to living with a closed heart for fear of being hurt and missing out on opportunities for growth. A friend of mine was talking about the author Paul Ferrini the other day. Ironically, I have one of his books, the ecstatic moment
“In the ecstatic moment you recognize your spiritual perfection and that of all beings. Perfection is never about the past or the future. It is always about now. You are perfect right now, regardless of all your perceived problems or unfinished business. You are acceptable as you are, no matter how many mistakes you think you have made. There is nothing you have thought, felt, or done that prevents you from realizing your perfection here and now.
All suffering results from your refusal to accept and bless your life just the way it is, from your insecure need to try to fix yourself, your relationships and the world you live in. When you stop finding fault with your life and trying to fix it, you can be in it more fully. Then, your life has energy, purpose and integrity. There is nothing lacking, nothing insufficient, nothing broken. It is perfect just as it is.”
That’s it. And that’s why I write and blog. I figure things out about myself. My house is very dusty. Sometimes I am still in pajamas at lunchtime. I don’t always know if everyone has brushed their teeth in the morning or not. My kids do worksheets. I have clutter. Our life is chaotic. I let my kids watch movies. I dream big despite getting very far at times. We have a lot of library fines. We are very “poor” financially, but “rich” in family. We fight and argue. We have our issues. In the end we are who we are…and that’s a blessing in itself, even when I can’t make complete sense of it. And I am glad to be able to share small bits of my existence in this space, but that’s it…some things; some details stay at home where they belong, unless you call me or I call you to talk about it.
I invite each and every one of you to join me this year in making a conscientious effort to live a life filled to the brim with intention. Intention to shape reality in the best way imaginable for us as individuals; intention to shape reality the best way imaginable for our world as a whole.
I truly believe that it is time for each and everyone of us to accept and be responsible for our own experience.
I say, bring it on. It’s time for a revolution! After all, thirteen is my lucky number.
Oh wow! I am just catching up on your life! I had read your blog and followed flickr photos for a long time, and then took a big break from reading blogs, and today, I thought, I wonder how their family is doing, and checked in…., my heart just broke and was pieced back together again for your family….I am so happy that things have a way of working out…so amazing…..looking forward to following you again, one of the very few blogs I now follow
Oh Lisa, You really expressed yourself perfectly here. I am so glad you wrote this. Love, Ginny
Thanks Ginny. Part of this post spawned from our telephone conversation….I love how that happens and how current life experience has the power to shine on through.
What a beautiful post. In the end, We can only be ourselves. Why do we so often think that is not enough? Dep breath. I will keep slugging away at being honest with myself and most importantly, forgiving my self for sometimes getting lost along the way. Thanks for your honesty.
Asha
You are SO right, we can only be honest with ourselves. Such powerful wisdom, yet hard to swallow. That’s why we are here. To experience; to process; to exist; to learn; to forgive. Ah, life is wild, yes?
Ya know, I needed that! Just this morning I was contemplating the whole blogging thing, the “what to tell, what not to tell”, the “judgement issue”.
I’ve felt a shift this year as well. It IS time.
Nicki
It is time! I’m glad you can see that too. So glad to be joining you for the ride Nicki!
Lisa- As I was reading your thoughtful words I had an Ah Ha moment- I have always been a very half glass full, optimistic, finding the good in any situation type gal. You made me realize this is a GIFT. My GIFT. I always thought it was mostly my up bringing but when I think of my siblings they don’t have this GIFT. I am so content and satisfied though many may look on and see all the needs. What a GIFT I have been given. Thank you for your words of inspiration
Mindy
lisa, i can totally relate to what you are expressing here. i’m glad to see you are back online and shining your beautiful light out here for us all.
thanks mb! I’m trying.
Lisa, I’ve been thinking about you the past month. Checking to see if you had posted anything, because I love your writing. It is so inspiring and so truthful that it fills my heart and makes my day more beautiful.
I was missing your posts, but mostly wishing you and your family well with your move and your new place.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts always, so openly. And you are right. Even from far away over here, I can still see you do have a beautiful gift of seeing the positive and being grateful. When I read your “gratitude” posts, it fills my heart with happiness every single time. And it reminds me of doing the same. There is lots of goodness out there, and many times it’s hard to see it when we are overloaded with stress.
Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for bringing beauty into the world. You and your family deserve a beautiful 2013. Wishing you the best, a year full with ‘greatness’ and good health. And thank you for what you do. Looking forward to more.
Your words mean so much to me Marcela. I don’t see many comments on my gratitude posts, and I continually need to remind myself that those posts are for me; my reflection; my therapy (so to speak). That it doesn’t matter how many comments I do or don’t get on them. I am happy to hear that they fill your heart though. They do for me too and that’s what they are there (in my hopes) to do. Shine gratitude for every one who reads them. to spread gratitude through cyber space so that whomever they pass will carry on just a little bit more light with them.
I have been praying for you since I read about your family on Ginny’s blog. I have felt a lot of your pain – with one difference. I am glad you’re back. The world needs more real people.
Yes! Real people. The world needs as much real as it can get right now. The more we choose to share with each other the less isolated and alone in our worldly struggles we will be. Thanks for being here with me.
Hi Lisa. This is the first time I am leaving a comment, even though I have been reading your blog since about the end of 2009. Of all the billions of blogs out there, yours is the only one I follow consistently. It’s better than facebook too! Thank you for sharing things about your life and giving me reason to pause and think. Keep it up – I don’t want to stop reading!
Awwww thank you Goya! For your sweet words of encouragement. I am honored to have you as a reader.
Reading also reminded me that when you process things for yourself, it is also a gift for your community, because your example means a lot. For you to share your beautiful moments is encouraging for all of us who are also struggling with the same hard times, no money, new babies, homeschooling, etc, etc, and reminds us, too. Thank you for sharing.
Thank Angie. You are SO right. I try my best to share that too. We are never alone, even when it may feel so. We are all connected and when we experience something, we can always be assured that someone somewhere is to, and by our sharing we help others to heal too. Thanks for that powerful reminder!
Lisa,
Thank you for the blog post today. I must be honest I often clicked over to see if you had posted and have kept you and your family in my thoughts over this past month. Wondering how you guys were doing.
I am so very happy to be part of your blog readers, it is nice to read reality. I enjoy your words and feel even though I have never meet you in person that I have a common relationship/friendship. May our lives someday cross I would be able to sit down with you and share a cup of coffee, talking old stories.
Your blog is great, use it freely to be yourself… I will always listen and be humbled by your honesty.
Something someone once told me is that; Take each comment like a grain of salt, keeping close the grains that you choose and tossing out the grains that are not needed.
Warmly….
A cup of coffee and sharing old stories sounds so so nice. I would certainly like that someday! Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and for keeping me and my family in your thoughts.
thank you, thank you, and thank you again. i’m sooo very glad to see you online again…been thinking of you and your family and sending prayers. your words always resonate so closely with me and my own family. and always i’m brought back to gratitude just when i think i may not have any left at the moment. bless you and all that you are:)
Getting back online was quite a fiasco, but alas, we are connected! All of your prayers have been felt. They are really one of the things carrying me through. In gratitude…
This is so beautiful….. and such wise words too. Last year this time I shared a post on being real on my own blog. It was just a random rambling post…. but it felt so good to get it all off my shoulders. Honesty is always what keeps your community here with you. And I find that good folks aren’t quick to judge…. and there are so many good folks. And darn it, we want to know what you’re up to
Anyway…. in case you ever wondered a bit more about us…. you can head over to my space and read this : http://www.gypsyforest.com/welcome_to_gypsy_forest/2012/01/sometimes.html
Much love to you & your family (and the book passage, amazing. I can’t tell you how I needed that today.)
xo,
stephinie
Oh Stephanie! We have so much in common!!! Sometimes, is perfect, yes? You are absolutely right…there are SO many good folks in the world. And btw- I’d just be head over heels to come render lard with you any day of the week.
xo ~
You know, when I first start reading this blog years ago I consiously decided that you were a beautiful person. Not your physical, not your beautiful pictures, not your cute kids…Your words. Your words are beautiful, inspirationnal and healing to read. Thanks for sharing them.
Andreann….thank you, from very deep in my heart.
This was wonderfully said. My house is dusty too and I’m also sitting here in my pajamas. I have a million dreams that are either unobtainable or crushed each day. But I am still aspiring towards them. It’s what keeps me going. I read your blog to be inspired and also to focus on the beauty of it. There is a lot of ugly out there as one comment said. But ugly doesn’t inspire me. And If people don’t like your blog, they should move on and read another blog.
You do have a beautiful gift.
Have a wonderful day!
I think we all on some level or another aspire toward personal dreams. It’s a good reminder. And even if they are un attainable…never to give up, because we never know where those intentions will lead us! We may wind up pleasantly surprised.;)
Fanastic, Lisa! Thanks so much for sharing, and I couldn’t agree more
Thanks Adrie! And I deeply appreciate your thoughts. It would be fun to have a farm field trip visit someday!
I have been waiting for you to come back! I am always inspired by your words. It is plain to see your golden heart and pure intention. Perfection is not only impossible, but what would one do once they achieved that “perfection”? I appreciate the honesty you are sharing. As a mother of four, full time job, and my own personal dreams and aspirations, I often judge myself harshly. At least our children still think we are the best thing ever!
Mamas have a tough job don’t we?! I think we all tend to judge ourselves too harshly at times as mothers. We just want the very best for our world for our children for our home. I guess its good to remember that the very best is how it all is exactly that way, even in rough times…because that is the present moment…a present.
Dearest, Lisa…
I only recently found your blog. Maybe in the beginning of December? I think someone else that I love reading must have linked to you, because I have so stepped away from finding new reads. But, you really are so right on so many levels. In the Fall, early Fall. I closed my blog to the public. I know it was somewhat popular in my group of readers and was growing. Which is all so relative to what, I’m unsure.
Anyways, I faltered. Just like you said. My words became so small and my voice so quiet…I felt like I had backed myself into a corner and was unable to share…authentically from my heart and be…criticized and judged. I miss my readers. But, I love writing and photo taking so much that I kept going. Even if only a hand few of friends have been invited to “see” me. Now, I write and shoot how I feel, when I feel, as often or as little as the screen calls to me.
This is my year, MY year to live authentically, intimately, and with an UN-divided heart. Even though there is heart break, daily. Who does not have that?
We all do.
So, I focus on the beauty.
Even if it’s super small.
A life given to live is a beautiful gift after all.
Loved this post.
And look forward to sharing along with you.
Thank you for writing.
Happy New Year!
XO
Thank you for sharing your story with me Kristin. It is such a challenge to balance what we do and who we are in choosing to expose a mere slice of it all. I do believe it is do able, on some level, but it requires a large dose of awareness and internal patience…or something like that. I’m so glad you did wind up here and hope you stop back often. May this New Year be a beautiful open hearted peaceful year for the both of us!
Loved this post! You have a beautiful family!
Thank you so much!
i just read this twice and i think we should be neighbors and close friends, the kind that always has an open door for wandering children, happy to feed yet one more mouth
truth is, i think we have much, M-U-C-H in common and i am admire that you are so adept at putting into words what i cannot. i tend to wallow in our struggle, get bogged down by the overwhelmingness of it. so just know that you inspire me.
Oh yes, yes indeed. We are neighbors by heart in many ways.
yeh …. just had a parade …. just had it rained on … the start of the parade is on my blog, but the rain … what would be the point? I put up pictures of my goats instead, of course. And what a lucky person I am to have goats (I know I actually am by the way) and well if you can afford *goats* … well I’ve got goats and I’m stuck with them so I may as well love ‘em and drink milk because it doesn’t take me any further away from close to homeless, and it doesn’t bring back my parade.
You keep on girl. There is great beauty in what you have to share. We don’t need to share the ugliness to know it is there. I like to catch up with you like you were camped out in the rental down the road. We have a lot in common. Rain. Parades. Stuff like that.
No, nothing will or can ever bring back the parades, but we can still keep on dreaming up new ones, right?! I’ll be here marching right along side you, rooting for more parades, because maybe only 3 out of 4 will get rained on!
I have been mostly out of the blogging realm since my youngest was born 18 months ago. I restarted again this week, and was going through my old blog lists and yours popped up. And I am so glad! It seems I have “missed” quite a lot in your world, it i am so very glad to see you still here! I always liked, admired, and found refreshing your honesty and perspective.
Looking forward to “catching up”!
Crystal
Thank you so much Crystal! So much has unfolded, folded up, reformed, and transformed for me and my family over the mere past 18 months…it all seems quite unreal. At the same time, I only feel like we are beginning, and can’t quite imagine what will continue to unfold for us…both good and bad. I’m so glad you stopped by…and congrats!
Good to see you back and a cozy, happy family. Wishing you all the best.
Thanks Jenny! We are very cozy and happy to be centered around the heat of a wood stove again. Makes for some super (roasting) coziness.
Lisa,
So wonderful to have you back again. You have been on my mind since your last post. I don’t know how I found your web site but you inspire me and makes me want to be a better person, do more and be a better mom. Thank you so much for everything. People’s judgment is just their own insecurities and once we put ourself “out there” on a blog judgement will follow. Stand straight and know that only when you get judge do you have something important to say and people are actually listening.
Happy New Year to you and your whole family.
Thank you so much Fredrica!! Your warm thoughts were seriously felt by us and are deeply appreciated! May this new year bring us both the best of the best, whatever that may be or look like, to help us stretch our wings in whatever way will suit us!
Lisa,
I can’t remember how I came across your blog a few months ago- but everything that you have been writing about really hits close to home. As I get older/wiser/add more children to my life- I really have a hard time why people feel the need to express themselves in a negative way. I mean, we all judge, really, but when does it become okay to share those with people you don’t know, knowing that it will hurt them? When did we lose the ability to say something nice or nothing at all? Anyway, thank you for sharing. Welcome back, your family has been in my thoughts over the holidays. Life never is perfect- but the ones that we choose to surround ourselves by, the children we love- we can make our own version of perfection.
You are so right Megan…so much of who we are and what reality we want to see can very well be reflected in what we are surrounded with. Sometimes there is “noise” aka negativity that pops up to distract, but it is not even worth our time! Thank you so much for being here an for your encouraging words!
I am a fairly new reader, and one thing I appreciate about your blog is your raw honesty. As a blogger, I find it so hard to put it all out there – not because of people who read that I don’t know personally – but for fear of being judged by those that I do know. You do it so eloquently and beautifully. You are right, we are who we are and that’s just about it. Thanks so much for sharing and inspiring me to be more honest in my writing. Many hopes that this is indeed your lucky year!
Thank you Kristen, thank you.
This is wonderful- thank you for sharing your thoughts! You spoke to my heart!
Your heart is my heart. That’s the beauty. We are all here learning and experiencing this crazy ride called “life” together in one way or another. Thank you for sharing your time with me as well!
So nice to see you in your space again, you have been missed. I am with you all the way!
Thanks Kim! s o very m u c h!
we all suffer from writers block, or blogging burn out from time to time. I had a break and by the time I got back into it my life had totally changed. So I started a new one!
welcome back
Yup! You are totally right! And on thing I have realized as well…is that right about before Christmas every year…I fall into an emotional slump, then the writers block sets in, and then I come back to clarity…eventually after the new year. But it’s all one and the same somehow. Thanks for being here!
I am always so glad to get a notification from your blog. I love everything that you have to say and can relate to you in so many ways. Thanks for being you and continuing to share your light in this world.
Thanks Tiffany, for your uplifting words!
I missed you. I’m so glad that you are back. You have posted beautiful photos and thoughts. A new year, a new beginning.
Thanks Bobbi!!! IT has been so very nice to re connect with you!!!
Oh Lisa,
Your beautiful family and beautiful you! Wishing you more blessings than trials in the coming year – but I really like what you wrote that in essence we can make the trials blessings – really so much does depend on our intentions.
Love, Tonya
Yes yes…I am hoping that for all of us! It is time to put major intention into creating abundant blessings in our lives! I do believe we can! I appreciate you and your friendship Tonya, thank you.
Neil Gunn talks about The Atom of Delight – those moments when you are really experiencing that now. So glad you feel able to share your atoms with us through your beautiful blog. Blessings to you all xx
I will definitely check that out. I can see moments like this popping up for a lot of people. I feel like right now something challenging, yet exciting and special is happening for all of humankind. I am envisioning a inspirational something or other out of it all! A happy peaceful collision of atoms maybe. I appreciate your presence Jacqui! And your words. Thank you!
I am afraid i am going to judge you. You are 100% + wonderful~ the full honest spectrum! Love to you
xxx
ha, snicker snicker, smile laugh…you are very sweet!
Wow. What a great post. And a great quote. You hit the nail on the head in so many ways.
thank you!
I know the ‘mixed feeling’ type of situation you describe. Not exactly the same one of course, but another variation, as many of us do. I’ll be happy to join you and fill this year with intention! Keep shining!
Yay! There is so much we can feel, do, accomplish with an itty bit of positive intention! Thank you thank you thank you!!!
Love you, Lisa, and love that you wrote this. Finding gratitude in all things (regardless of the contrast in the mix) is a beautiful gift, and I’m grateful to you for sharing your vision. xo
I’m so happy to see you in this space again Lisa. I have thought of you often these last few weeks and I want you to know you are always in my prayers.
I love your line,
“I truly believe that it is time for each and everyone of us to accept and be responsible for our own experience. ”
That is so true, we each have our own life to live.
Yes, it’s going to be a wonderful year, thirteen is a fabulous number.
You prayers were felt. That is one of the most magical things and reasons why I share. When I need help or intention…I can feel the thoughts and prayers coming. And that is so very powerful! Thank you so much for thinking of us. I think of you and your farm and homestead so often. Would really love to come for a visit…someday!