This past Sunday marked a special day for us. Special might not be the right word. In a way is is, but it is also something that has been held in my thoughts with a bit of struggle. It has been one year since we moved away from our home town. It has been one year since we embarked on this crazy twisting turning adventure. It has been one year of a blur and a bit of a heart wrench and a bit exciting all wrapped up into one. And here I am one year later, alive to tell about it, so that’s a good thing. I feel like for me, the approach of spring is my personal time for reflection, on the past year and where I’ve been. I always thought the turn of the new year was the right time for those kinda thoughts, but for me it makes much more sense that it’s now. It is now that I feel the urge to shed my skin from where the previous year has taken me, whether good or bad or in between. It is a time to swallow my lessons, carry what I want with me, and let go of the rest. It’s the letting go part that kinda gets me though. Sometimes it is hard to. just. let. GO. To the parts of the year that I really wanted to work out, but just didn’t. Especially when there are parts that have left me feeling bitter, angry, and frustrated.
Jason and I have had the conversation more than once over the past couple months that raises the question that had we known ahead of time that this is the way it would all unravel, that this is the way it would turn out, would we still have chosen to do it? To move? To make the jump into the complete unknown? To take a chance? To trust? And for both of us, the answer is yes. That regardless of the hurdles we have had to jump and the obstructions we’ve had to dodge, we still appreciate where we are today. Even though we haven’t reached the clearest picture yet, I still know that it’s there along this path I am traveling…somewhere, and that sooner or later, I’ll get there. Yet one of the other deep lessons I have been absorbing, is the appreciation for here and now and the path itself, even though it may not be what I want, or look like what I wish it could. Regardless, it’s still my path and I’m the one walking it and that in itself is such an amazing thing to claim complete ownership over.
This past year has taken a toll on me in many ways and in some weird way it almost seems as if it were all just a dream. Did any of this stuff really happen? I do have the photos that tell me it did actually happen, but it all happened so fast, and then before we knew it we were living somewhere else and it was snowing, and it didn’t stop snowing for a very long time and now it’s one year later from when we first moved (and it’s still snowing, hello spring?).
Someone recently told me that any big transition in life, for example a move, having a baby, a death, divorce, etc. takes an entire year to start actually processing and adjusting to. All within 9 months of moving, I had a baby, and moved again, which makes three years of adjusting in a very short time frame. It was (and still is) hard for me to even go too deep in the processing department in regards to this past year. I know that it is something that I will have to chip away slowly and compassionately with myself in due time. One little bit at a time. And with each piece I marvel, will come a deep understanding that I know so well, yet struggle with feeling in the thick of things, which is that:
We cannot have ups without downs in life.
It’s impossible. The only aspect that we as human beings have control over is how we choose to see the events and happenings that take place in life. We can choose to see them as major life inconveniences OR we can see them as opportunities for growth. The uncomfortable parts of life, that each and every one of us experience, are there to help us and force us to manifest and create what it is that we DO want to be there. It is the contrast between these two that help us to clarify what it is exactly that we need to do in order to make it a reality for ourselves.
Yesterday Lake turned four. After being unemployed for December and January, Jason has had steady tiling and renovation work again. We have a roof over our head and food in our bellies. The kids have been busy exploring the new homestead. I have been restructuring our home school approach a bit (more on that at a later date). Sorrel just cut his two bottom teeth and is on the verge of crawling. We have been busy with new projects and are ready to grow some food this season. I have huge plans in my mind to finagle with, as I am trying my hand at manifestation again this year. I think there was some sort of wild cat in the wood shed last night and I am not even kidding. I’m excited to have more writing and photography work being published and look forward to. It’s the beginning of the mud season. I just finished up a huge knitting project and shipped it out this week. I have plans; some are little, some are big, some are ridiculous and some I really hope happen soon. And this is how I can dream the dream of the life I am living right now. It sounds pretty good doesn’t it? I can choose to think so. I think it is just where I am supposed to be. Life. Uncomfortable at times? Yes, but who isn’t. Difficult at times? Sure, nothing’s perfect. Amazing? Beautiful? Astounding? Wonderful? Of course! Someday I am going to look back and say, “Remember when…” and remember these times with fondness. Things that have already happened often seem so much better then when we are right here right now for some reason. I know I am not the only one. Could it be because in retrospect we know we made it through it, whereas when we are in it, our thoughts are often preoccupied with worry?
Thank you dear life for carrying me along; for giving me opportunities to grow; for teaching me the things that I DO want in my life. Thank you dear friends for friendship, from near and far; for being here with me. Thank you for the simple sheer sake of thankfulness.
“Much of the pain in life comes from having a life plan that you’ve fallen in love with and when it doesn’t work out, you become angry that you now have to pursue a new life plan. If you want to tame your inner demons, you must not become attached to any particular life plan, and remain open to there being a better, happier life plan.”
~Karen Salmansohn
Perfectly stated, Lisa. You’re words are inspiring. I keep trying to remember Karen’s quote as we move through this next phase in our homesteading life. Thanks so much for sharing…
Thank you so much Liz! For your email too! This walk is a crazy one, but it’s real…and that’s what I guess pulls me into the middle of it…truth and realness. Even if we are states away, it’s so good to know we are walking a similar path.
Lisa,
Beautiful writing and I just love that last quote.
You know one year after we made the move from MA to VT to live “our dream” we found ourselves homeless when the house we were renting sold and ending up living in NY with family for the winter (we did have time to find land to lease in a town in VT 30 minutes from our rental home and buy a run down mobile home but were not prepared for winter) – that was the hardest 5 months of my life – We had spent the first year with a successful market garden and growing our handwork business and everything felt so uncertain – like we had failed, blame , bitterness, etc. But through it all I knew God had a plan.
We grew in those years living off grid in the mobile home – we grew so strongly as a family. We didn’t have a market garden anymore and Mike had to work construction but living as simply as we were brought our family together.
Then two years later we were able to buy our rustic cottage one mile away.
Now our business is thriving, and we have our family-centered life. Our original plan of farming did not come true, but the values and quality of life we were seeking did.
i think of you so often.
Love, Tonya
Thank you Tonya!!! I am always comforted by your stories. I know we are not far behind you and your family on our path. And you are right, there is a plan, and even if I cannot see it all too clearly, that’s okay…it’s there. Trust.
Lisa, thanks for sharing, as always. Love to you and yours.
Thanks Adrie. I know that we have so much in common. It’s this drive to follow our hearts. It’s not easy, but it is good. A good way to live life. I do know that.
Hi Lisa: What a beautiful, inspiring and life-affirming post! And how amazing your journey and your ability to put into words the beauty of it all, even when times are tough. Your words describe my life right now – and our paths are so different. You have helped me greatly today! Thank you!! I hope some day I can return the favor. Much joy to you and your family!!!
A lot of thoughts that pop up in my mind, or that I experience I really do think many are struggling with at the same time. It may be in different ways, but the thoughts and struggle are still there. We need to help each other, talk about it, share, reach out…just so we know there are others out there…and we are never alone. Things may feel so tough, but someday it will just be a story to share.
“Could it be because in retrospect we know we made it through it, whereas when we are in it, our thoughts are often preoccupied with worry?”
This is a brilliant hypothesis!
Thanks Dave!
Thanks for sharing this Lisa! Your journey is inspiring and you and your family are beautiful!
Wishing you all the best.
Thanks so much Tiffany. Sometimes I don’t know what to share or how much, but I feel like it is important. Even just for me, personally. Writing and sharing; conversing and expanding help me to process my life at times. Your well wishes are so appreciated.
So much to love about this post, but the thing that makes me smile the most is how you approach your life…with an open heart and so much gratitude. Thanks for sharing this.
Happy birthday to Lake and happy birthing day to you.
I am glad that those two things shine through. They are at the heart (;)) of every thing for me right now.
Dear Lisa…I am so inspired by your attitude of gratitude despite the challenges you’ve faced these past many many months. While you may struggle privately, here you are with hope and determination and perserverance unfailing. Thank you for sharing your real-ness, your love of Life, and your beautiful family. I am so happy to have “met” you, many moons ago. Countless times you have shown me the silver lining to all of our struggles, big and small, and I humbly thank you.
xo Jules
P.S. And of course, happy happy birthing day to you, Mama. And a special birthday greeting to your 4 year old!
Oh, Jules…I am so happy to have you here too. It is amazing how people can remind us so much of ourselves/family. Kinship and friendship can span miles and miles.
Life is never boring is it?
Happy Birthday to Lake. Being four is such a great age, my favorite person is four!
Okay, I have to ask, what is the topping for the Lake’s Birthday cake? Usually I can look at something and pick it apart, but this has me stumped.
Tracey, it kinda didn’t turn out right. It is a butter cream frosting, but the sugar I added too fast to my egg whites and they didn’t peak right. I just went with it anyways. I used a lot of raw butter, which my hand mixer didn’t blend completely, so it looks chunky…still tasted good though. And of course it was not even on radar of a four year old!