This past Sunday marked a special day for us. Special might not be the right word. In a way is is, but it is also something that has been held in my thoughts with a bit of struggle. It has been one year since we moved away from our home town. It has been one year since we embarked on this crazy twisting turning adventure. It has been one year of a blur and a bit of a heart wrench and a bit exciting all wrapped up into one. And here I am one year later, alive to tell about it, so that’s a good thing. I feel like for me, the approach of spring is my personal time for reflection, on the past year and where I’ve been. I always thought the turn of the new year was the right time for those kinda thoughts, but for me it makes much more sense that it’s now. It is now that I feel the urge to shed my skin from where the previous year has taken me, whether good or bad or in between. It is a time to swallow my lessons, carry what I want with me, and let go of the rest. It’s the letting go part that kinda gets me though. Sometimes it is hard to. just. let. GO. To the parts of the year that I really wanted to work out, but just didn’t. Especially when there are parts that have left me feeling bitter, angry, and frustrated.
Jason and I have had the conversation more than once over the past couple months that raises the question that had we known ahead of time that this is the way it would all unravel, that this is the way it would turn out, would we still have chosen to do it? To move? To make the jump into the complete unknown? To take a chance? To trust? And for both of us, the answer is yes. That regardless of the hurdles we have had to jump and the obstructions we’ve had to dodge, we still appreciate where we are today. Even though we haven’t reached the clearest picture yet, I still know that it’s there along this path I am traveling…somewhere, and that sooner or later, I’ll get there. Yet one of the other deep lessons I have been absorbing, is the appreciation for here and now and the path itself, even though it may not be what I want, or look like what I wish it could. Regardless, it’s still my path and I’m the one walking it and that in itself is such an amazing thing to claim complete ownership over.
This past year has taken a toll on me in many ways and in some weird way it almost seems as if it were all just a dream. Did any of this stuff really happen? I do have the photos that tell me it did actually happen, but it all happened so fast, and then before we knew it we were living somewhere else and it was snowing, and it didn’t stop snowing for a very long time and now it’s one year later from when we first moved (and it’s still snowing, hello spring?).
Someone recently told me that any big transition in life, for example a move, having a baby, a death, divorce, etc. takes an entire year to start actually processing and adjusting to. All within 9 months of moving, I had a baby, and moved again, which makes three years of adjusting in a very short time frame. It was (and still is) hard for me to even go too deep in the processing department in regards to this past year. I know that it is something that I will have to chip away slowly and compassionately with myself in due time. One little bit at a time. And with each piece I marvel, will come a deep understanding that I know so well, yet struggle with feeling in the thick of things, which is that:
We cannot have ups without downs in life.
It’s impossible. The only aspect that we as human beings have control over is how we choose to see the events and happenings that take place in life. We can choose to see them as major life inconveniences OR we can see them as opportunities for growth. The uncomfortable parts of life, that each and every one of us experience, are there to help us and force us to manifest and create what it is that we DO want to be there. It is the contrast between these two that help us to clarify what it is exactly that we need to do in order to make it a reality for ourselves.
Yesterday Lake turned four. After being unemployed for December and January, Jason has had steady tiling and renovation work again. We have a roof over our head and food in our bellies. The kids have been busy exploring the new homestead. I have been restructuring our home school approach a bit (more on that at a later date). Sorrel just cut his two bottom teeth and is on the verge of crawling. We have been busy with new projects and are ready to grow some food this season. I have huge plans in my mind to finagle with, as I am trying my hand at manifestation again this year. I think there was some sort of wild cat in the wood shed last night and I am not even kidding. I’m excited to have more writing and photography work being published and look forward to. It’s the beginning of the mud season. I just finished up a huge knitting project and shipped it out this week. I have plans; some are little, some are big, some are ridiculous and some I really hope happen soon. And this is how I can dream the dream of the life I am living right now. It sounds pretty good doesn’t it? I can choose to think so. I think it is just where I am supposed to be. Life. Uncomfortable at times? Yes, but who isn’t. Difficult at times? Sure, nothing’s perfect. Amazing? Beautiful? Astounding? Wonderful? Of course! Someday I am going to look back and say, “Remember when…” and remember these times with fondness. Things that have already happened often seem so much better then when we are right here right now for some reason. I know I am not the only one. Could it be because in retrospect we know we made it through it, whereas when we are in it, our thoughts are often preoccupied with worry?
Thank you dear life for carrying me along; for giving me opportunities to grow; for teaching me the things that I DO want in my life. Thank you dear friends for friendship, from near and far; for being here with me. Thank you for the simple sheer sake of thankfulness.
“Much of the pain in life comes from having a life plan that you’ve fallen in love with and when it doesn’t work out, you become angry that you now have to pursue a new life plan. If you want to tame your inner demons, you must not become attached to any particular life plan, and remain open to there being a better, happier life plan.”