Occasionally, I am gifted with a glimpse, or two, or three, of me and who that is. In case you didn’t know, she is a person I love dearly…who thinks very deeply….and struggles with big things…and little things…yet she tries very hard to see the beauty through it all…within every thing, and every body, and every challenge that crosses her path. She is far from perfect, and even though she knows that no such thing as perfect even exists, she still gives every day the best she can, even when that best feels hard and difficult and heavy. That’s just who I am.
This past year has felt intense, which is pretty much how I gather many folks out there have felt about it. Yet, even though I feel that this past year was a “better” year than the previous one…it has topped the charts as far as intensity goes in a whole different way. Some of the situations I have found myself in, dealt with, lived through, etc. have left me feeling more and more as if my life resembles a three ring circus…or maybe an out of line jigsaw puzzle, with a lot of missing pieces, some of them broken and malformed. Trying to make sense of it at times has proven useless…thus leaving me with a hankering, that this whole deal…this whole “mess” of life, might might just be more about the process of living it and how we choose to deal with each day rather than what that day could, should, would look like if any of it could make sense. Following?
Sometimes, right here; right now is a hard place to be when I try too hard to figure it out. And when I hear my own mental demons speaking…whispering that things ought to be something other than what they are…that’s when I get bogged down. That has happened a lot this past year. And with each occurrence, I get to see a little bit deeper into the person I am.
Everything is what it is. Whether I like it or not. It’s perfect in it’s own way. And just like those billboards say, “It’s your choice…heaven or hell.” I choose heaven over hell in my life…I try at least, because I do not want to feel all that struggle over wanting things to be something other than what they are. It gets tiring. Fast.
Giving up my regular (and thriving) online blogging routine may have been a poor decision on my part. You know how it goes…if a blogger doesn’t blog, then people stop visiting, and when people stop visiting, sponsors loose interest…and then there’s just little me…standing there all alone in the great wide abyss of the internet…wondering if I am just that girl who used to be a blogger…wondering why and how it all started to begin with…and where the heck it is going to go, if anywhere, and if it even matters (which I am pretty sure it doesn’t).
But sometimes (a lot of times actually) I feel that standing alone is what I am good at. It is in this place where there are no external strings attached, the one and only place, where I know my truth resides. And I have to trust that. Knowing that whatever I feel in any given moment is okay…as it is. There have been so many times over this past year where I have sat down to write and felt like I had nothing to write about. When words used to just flow naturally…seamlessly…there seemed to be none left. And then there were yet times where I wrote and wrote, but just never hit publish. Why? I have no idea. There were times where that’s just what felt “right” so that’s how I left it. Draft after draft.
I have been actively writing now for five years. And through it all, 816 blog posts published later, alongside numeral magazine and newspaper publications, I have come to see and watch an unfolding occur…a process in and of itself. A self marveling, a study of sorts, the movement of going deep…ebbing into thought, and coming back out again with some part of me I didn’t previously know was there. And then there’s the flow and time for reflection, and growth, followed by more quiet. And that’s how it goes, kind of like life. Ebb and flow. Ebb and flow.
There is one reason I know for sure that I started this blog and continue to blog…and that was and is to document my life and my family’s journey, through the good the bad, and the three ring circus. So, I have to keep going. I do. This past year has been one crazy part of my adventure. I have stories to share and document. And so here I am. I have found a piece of me that I needed to focus on within the quiet that was reflected in my regular absence on this blog. And now that I have that under my belt…I am hoping the words will come more often and my presence in this space can grow and thrive once again. Welcome back to me. Bring it on 2014! Give me what you’ve got!
I hope your holiday celebrations were filled with joy and happiness; warmth and comfort. This is going to be a good year!