All this season, I’ve felt a drag…a drag as in…I can’t get to much of anything these days…kinda drag. We had a nice gardening season, but it really didn’t take the front seat this year. I am grateful to have batches of soup, broths, and apple sauce in the freezer…but overall, it’s not turning out to be that kind of year for me. I am embracing the fact that…this is the year of toddler hood for me, where pretty much nothing spectacular gets done. I really shouldn’t say that…because in reality the most, VERY most spectacular thing of all IS getting done, it’s just internal rather than external and is called…being a mom and raising children…and letting go of all the food growing, harvesting, and preserving for “next year”. Even if “next year” isn’t actually the one following this one.
Every time I try to come here to write…I try to refrain from saying something like, “life seems really hectic right now.” Or, “I feel really swamped.” Or, something like that. Yea, I’m busy, just as busy dancing through life as the next person. And although there are many days when my mind wanders back to a place where my life felt more in control; where I did better to travel at a nice slow pace…I try to gently remind myself that life felt just as crazy then as it does now. In the same sense that in five years from now, I will probably look back to this point in my existence and remember it just a tad differently than how I see it now. Perspective. Things tend to look better in hindsight.
Semi recently, something hit me though. And the funny part is, that it is a mentality that I strive for and know deep in my heart is the way, yet seems to be currently muddled somewhere in my busy mind these days. And the mentality would be…to enjoy life. As simple as that, but also to enjoy each and every conversation, experience, small piece of time…alone, and with others, who cross my path. To smile. To embrace. To slow down enough to hear these important messages. To take the time each day to look deep into the eyes of my children. Yet, these days, it seems like I just can’t shake something…but I don’t know what it is. It’s just a weight of sorts…a heavy weight…a burden that I am carrying with me. It’s my choice to see it that way. It’s also my choice to acknowledge it, to talk about it, to try to understand and figure out what it is and how to get past it. But what if I can’t figure it out? What if I never get past it? What if it stays there forever? What if it is just life. Well, then… I can still choose to live my life to the fullest. I can still keep going, knowing that there’s always room for making intentions and envisioning where I want to see myself. But for now I am here…and as timely as ever, releasing my grasp…and letting go…just as the beautiful leaves release and fall from the trees. I think this happens every year. It truly amazes me at how in sync some people are with the seasons. I am realizing that I may be one of them. This is the time for letting go…the time for preparing, for the time where we hunker down with ourselves and and our thoughts in the quiet and stillness, where all that we deem as important resides. It’s that time. So that, explains a lot.
A couple of weeks ago, Hawthorn was talking about the various things we “forgot” to do this summer. So, instead of harping too much on our disappointment of not being able to get to everything, we talked about the things we did get to do this summer. We went to my grandmothers house twice, went blueberry picking with my mother in law, we visited friends, friends visited us, we picked wild blueberries, we picked (and are still picking) wild apples galore. I’ve made, apple pie, apple cobbler, apple cake, apple smoothies, apple sauce…you get the idea. We went to the fair. We got to see my brother as the lead in the production of Greece. We even started piano lessons somewhere in the mix. So, we’ve actually done quite a lot. I just need to remind myself that sometimes.
And so the season is upon us, and with this season in particular, I make the intention of being more aware…of being more mindful…of taking note of each little thing that I can…of enjoying this life…and finding deep lessons in both the big and small things that surround me during my days.
“We have to continue to learn. We have to be open. And we have to be ready to release our knowledge in order to come to a higher understanding of reality.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh